I miss my brother.

I wish that we'd be closer in so many ways.

I've found that I'm afraid of my feelings toward him and his ability to hate me so easily, or is it that I feel he hates me?

Saying good-bye to a Sweet Man!

I met him at work. He had lost his wife and was in for the resting of that process. He really took her death hard. He was the sweetest person that I think I've ever met! He was in his late 80's and I enjoyed the little chats that we'd have.

After moving to the back of the office, I didn't get to meet with the clients on regular basis like I used to back in the day! But, everytime Del came in, we would chat for a little bit!

I would see him around town and I would always want to stop to talk to him, but sometimes, I thought that he'd be distrupted if I bothered him! I knew in my heart that we would talk and enjoy talking, but he was with his group of friends that walked the mall. I always admired how kind he was!

He's walking in the clouds with his beloved wife, and many, many friends he made along the way!

I'll miss his genuine sweet nature and kindness!

Put to rest this 29th day of February, 2008.

this twentieth day of february, two-thousand and eight

Today is my brother's birthday, and I've been filled with this energy!

I've hated having to feel that way all day LONG!

I miss my brother! I wish that we'd have a better relationship! There's so much pent up energy toward each other, and neither one of us have been able to express that to each other without there always seeming to be this hurt energy! ENERGY! What's up with that coming on so much "ENERGY!"

I do hope him to be well in his endevours! I do wish that he be well! I miss my family in so many ways!!

He only lives 10 minutes from me, last I heard, it has been many, many moon since my last update of his whereabouts. I don't really do much digging on him!

FLASH BACK:
I read an article the other day that made me think... WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON? A childhood friend's name. CHILDHOOD, in da hood, Stratton Ghettos! lol "Just playing ya'll," I really did love that neighborhood! It was pretty! Cheyenne Mountain as the backdrop! I do miss my good friends, but I am glad that I've grown from there... UP ROOTED AND TOSSED WITH THE WIND!

I'm thankful for the many opportunities that I've had in my life! I've been blessed with my children, of which I am very proud. I know that I've slipped up along the way, and I've seen my Uncles and Aunts lead a life of example! I am missing that example! I need strength right now to hold me up and be proud of the person I am. I need to remember that I have me, so I'm not going anywhere!

Sending out into the universe...

"I LOVE YOU ROBERT!" One day we will see each other in our own lives. You have a beautiful little girl that I'm bless to have known, and two beautiful little girls, that I have no idea what they look like! Sad, on my part as much if-not-more than others!! I wish that I could find a way to heal your wounds and maybe mine along the way!?

this nineteenth day of February, two thousand and eight.

It feels like the day has just gone on and on today!

I'm tired to my bones, but I feel like I cannot slow down!

Ashleigh was screaming a little much tonight and it was drilling right to my bones. She had to be reminded, at my own reminding that we both needed to take a breath and chill out! Spaghetti was the meal of the night I guess.

Frustration has been rittled through the evening. I'm tired. I 've said that already!

Matthew playing with me, to help lighten me up, at least I think that's what he was doing. It helped. They are sick of seeing me fall apart! They have been my strength, and they SHOULD be my first priority! I've been reminded of that over and over again.

Ash and I ran to the the store to get Matthew's composition book. I didn't feel like running to Loveland, so we just headed to Hays. She insisted on a stick of lip balm. Her face was a mess.

I feel like I need my babies this weekend. Matthew is supposed to have a couple of MRIs done on his back, hopefully on Saturday.

Luke... was working on a crossword puzzle, as was Ashleigh.

Summer of 2007

My kids....



HATED having to have this picture taken. Can you tell?

If they would have been smiling, it would have been an awesome picture!

When they loosen up... they smile. When they stop to listen to the silence, you can see their light.



They all have their own personalities, and qualities. They have their strengths and weaknesses. They are pure in their nature and heart and they are MY ROCK!




They make me feel whole and I'm glad that they are my life!



MY SWEET BABIES!

MONDAY!

I wake up every Monday morning with the thought! THIS BED IS SO WARM, I WANT TO STAY IN IT ALL DAY LONG!

However, I must get up and get ready for work, so I can make the cheese to support my babies!
I try to get ready but it doesn't always work out on time. I seem to drag my feet!

It's snowing today and I'm not looking forward to the commute back home! Our office is also making a change and I feel like dragging my feet on that one as well, but know that I cannot!

IT'S TIME FOR CHANGE!

Osage Beach, Missouri

A lot of fond memories are of the times that we'd (Robert and I) spent in Missouri with my mother's parents, Phillip Sheridan and Patsy Josephine Hutubise.

Often times were were shuttled there, I believe, so that we wouldn't be a burden on my parents when they were going through their "martial problems," and later because of my mother's inability to watch over us during the summer months. I think she thought that we'd be better off out of the ghetto in the Colorado Springs and in the hills of Osage Beach.

In any event, I was grateful to have the opportunity to spend time with them.

Grandma was an easy soul. She laughed at you when you fell down, she'd make sure you were ok first, but she knew how to lighten any situation! One memory that comes to mind right now of her is one of the first summers we were staying with them, I had an in-grown toe nail. I asked Grandma if she could take care of it and she started digging. I was squirming and screaming into a pillow! She told me that I needed to toughen up! I always thought that was funny coming from her! She worked for Carl's Market on the main road going into Osage Beach for years and years. We would always stop at the store before heading on to the house. I'll have to upload some pictures I have of their home just to give a visual! I LOVED IT THERE!

When we were really little, Grandpa worked in a body shop and painted cars, while being a volunteer fireman. I remember swimming in the pool that was next to the body shop! It was fun to visit Grandpa and Uncle Kevin and on a few occasssions get to see them peel the tape and protective paper off a car to see the end product! Grandpa always seem to give us some little thing that would help in the venture to the pool. A floating raft, or something of that nature! Grandpa was a hard fellow, rough around the edges. I always thought of him as someone that needed to be handled with care. I admired him from afar. I was afraid to talk to him, and to the day he died, I believe I never carried on an adult conversation with him! The photo in this entry is that of his fire helmet. I MISS YOU GRANDPA! His handle was 101 and he was the Chief of the Osage Beach Fire Department for as long as I can remember! He was a marshall for some years, but he was Chief for much more!

Later when I was an adult and after I'd had my second child, I believe, my little family visited the Hurtubise and the Dixon's came to visit us there. They really loved my Grandpa and I listened to him tell stories to them like I'd never heard him talk before! I WISH THAT I'D'VE BEEN ABLE TO SEE THAT SIDE OF HIM MORE OFTEN! I wish that I wasn't so afraid of him as a child!

Grandma and Grandpa lived on the property that was next to a state park, which later was turned into an outlet mall. If you walked the path that was by the old barn, you would be lead right to the lake. Uncle J.R. would take Robert and I to the lake on many occassions. I think we would beg him at times to take us somewhere, on an adventure! :-) One particular walk I can recall Robert putting his hand on a dead log, bringing his hand up and having it COVERED in red ticks.

There are so many memories of when we were children and growing up at the Lake. Some bad, but most were good!

Some things to remember later:

1. Aunt Kay hulla-hooping in the yard and swinging us around;

2. The fire-flies;

3. Grandpa's scanner radio;

4. The burning trash that Robert caught the yard on fire with;

5. The swimming holes;

6. Uncle J.R. shooting a snake, cutting its head off to show us and walking in the river/creek with sandels and snakes swimming by like it was nothing;

7. Uncle Steve calling Grandpa "Fat Boy" and me freaking out that he called Grandpa that;

8. Grandpa calling Uncle Steve "Fat Boy" and me relaxing, realizing it was their thing;

9. Aunt Kay being pregnant with Derek and giving me a box of rings, bling, bling;

10. Going to the boondocks and hanging out with Aunt Kay, Uncle J.R., Uncle Stevie, Uncle Kevin;

11. Going to the amusement park that was across the street from my grandparents drive;

12. Driving to MO from OK to spend the first full summer with the family;

13. The summer that we were accused of drinking grandpa's beer, I didn't do it, and having to leave early because of all the issues that summer;

14. Going to the motel at the end of the drive and asking the manager, that Uncle Steven knew, to go swimming;

15. Taking the Stark kids to the same pool. Derek reminded me that his life was on the line during one of those visits, I didn't recall it being that serious, but he sure does! :-);

16. Spending time with the Stark kids at G'mas when I baby sat for Aunt Kay while she worked;

17. The day that Uncle J.R.'s fire certificate caught fire while sitting on top of the toaster in the kitchen;

18. Asking Uncle Steve to buy us cigarettes;

19. Smoking at the old barn. Derek also says that's the reason that he started smoking! :-(;

20. Getting sick from smoking and swearing to myself that I would never do it again;

21. Watching the Uncles take off down the windy roads to fight a fire;

22. Taking rides in the old fire trucks;

23. Fireworks at the Lake on July 4th and in Eldon, MO on July 5th;

24. The old firetruck that was destroyed in the yard because of...;

25. The blasting of rock to make way for the new outlet mall;

26. Walking to the Outlet mall as it was being built;

27. Taking the G'pa's red chevy out for a joy ride around the mall parking lot, and running into the mailbox with the car. NO ONE EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!;

28. Getting stung by a wasp when Smokey the German Shepherd was walking in the house with me, and he wasn't supposed to;

29. Playing in the hose in the yard with the Stark kids;

30. Watching G'pa's chicken in the yard try to eat the tomatoes he was growing;

31. Catching turtles in the yard;

32. Chasing after rabits in the yard;

33. Watching soups on TV all day because it was too hot and loud outside, because of the locusts, to play outside;

34. Watching the snakes sunbath in the yard;

35. Swimming at the Public Beach, Uncle Steven called PP1 and PP2;

36. Walking to the swimming holes from the house at Lazy Days!

I could go on and on.....

A thought or a vision - looking at the television

I've watched my parents wither away,
I've watched my own psychosis go astray!

I've worn on my health
as if it is Stealth
Not able to be seen.
It's not there, if I think not of it.

explanation: They really aren't withering away, but getting smaller. Symptoms of their age.
Myself expanding more and more! OMG, walk out the door! Put the dog on a leash and walk down the street!
-Label: wither, psychosis

A distorted vision in my mind.
Myself looking in from behind the blinds.
What am I looking at?

My fathers, brothers and mothers have tried to show me the hand.
I refuse to take it, as I am only human, of this earth and maybe not destine for the heavens. I'm allowed only to look up; pictures of it, only in books.

Falling....

The rope at its end, has been let go,
as I'm Sitting, spinning out of control.
My mind nothing but a constant blow!
I'm looking forward to the day that I can breath
without this weight upon me.

Fly with Me

I feel sick to my stomach, anxious. Like at any moment I'm going to come to a ledge and fall off of it, closing my eyes and waiting for the impact, thud and the ploom of dust rising after my human form hits the ground. Not intending to jump, but just falling.

Jumping would be the thought of some."She jumped didn't she?"

I've been craving the forbidden lately.... a drag would be so nice. The device to pull me in, and escape from this anxious wind.

A break is upon me! A time to decide. I'm not hurting at the idea of waking up alone, without that warmth beside. The sea of red without his hold. Not like blood flowing, but blood cold.

Do I say come, or do I let go!? The rope is at its end and there's not much more to hold.

I've pulled my last hair.

Mirror Mirror on the wall.
Who's the one that takes the fall?
O' my lady thou shalt you!
unless of course ye stand on two!

I'm standing at the edge of a cliff. The view panoramic of the sky so blue, red rock below that once held the water that flowed, now a canyon for me to fly through. The birds chirping in the distance calling my name. Close thine eyes and let the wind howl through thine hair. Drifting, lifting holding me high, a deep breath in, for a heavy sigh.

Surrounded by nothing will I still be able to hear, that tone that you called me dear?

Forget the sadness the heart's but a solid black, may be a cause of the pain in my back.